Author, Jason Graves

A True Tale

When I retired from the Air Force I was forty-seven and weighed approximately two hundred forty pounds. I took a year off of work but when I went back to work my ‘quit’ came with me. Not in regard to my job (no, never the job) but on me. I quit on me.

Fast forward three years and many hours of couch potatoing (that’s a word now, use it how you like) I had gotten ‘swole’ to a fluffy ‘ole three hundred el-be’s (that’s my 80’s kid slang for pounds — lb’s).

I was athletic once. Stronger than I looked, I was once told I was fast and nimble for someone my size. I took pride in my athleticism. ‘Fingers of steel,’ my wife says; forty years of fingertip push-ups will do that.

I can’t do that…anymore.

Fingertips ache now, the mere thought of pressure applied to joints buzzing with degeneration. Speed stolen by knee surgery, two on the neck, one on the lower back. I run like boxes fall down stairs. Strength is there but it brings pain. Sleep, the dark nothingness is painless.

I would sleep like a Hobbit eats. There was ‘going to bed,’ upon waking fourteen hours later I would move. To say move is an over-exaggeration, I slothed (again…you’re welcome) around the house as little as possible. I think if I could have climbed down a tree once a month to expel waste I would have signed up. Then a tiny little pandemic hit.

So did awareness.

The introvert in me had just conquered the world; every society on earth now forced to accept isolation. Okay, hyperbole? I’ll leave that for you to debate, all I knew was the world caught up my philosophy of ‘less people is better.’

Never a people-person, it took years to master my ‘office face’ so I could perform my job in the military but now was my time. It was now acceptable, even encouraged what I’ve attempted to accomplish my entire life…avoid people. Society was forced to see what I had always known about working from home, it’s easy! It’s also super efficient, cost effective, and highly flexible.

Freedom to work from a cloud allows you to stop and enjoy the real ones, maybe even work under them. Obviously take your computer in when it rains. Rain waits. Puddles hold memories, running and stomping, splashing monsters as rain drops the size of giant’s tears meant for dodging because of course each one burns. Why wouldn’t they, right? Now I appreciate the slowness of rain, even the tumult downpour with its soothing violence.

But I digress.

The world was now how I always dreamt it would be and I was wasting it by just waiting to die. As the world went crazy I found sanity. Peace of mind.

Now is a good time to mention how fortunate I am. My twenty-three years in the military was a wise investment, I can not even begin to understand what so many went through, how so many died. The fear, the rage, the division growing wider as isolation scarred so many, pushing us further into isolation bubbles of information. I sacrificed for where I am now. This is my story.

Back on my head.

The security of not having to wear my ‘office face,’ now more iron maiden than Halloween veil, suffocating. Stifling. I could breathe again. Figuratively. Literally? I was huffing and puffing my way to a slow death. I didn’t need to change. I wanted to change. The difference between need and want cannot be overstated. To want something sinks into your non-existent soul, your metaphorical essence that drive dopamine levels toward happiness. Need, bad…when I need to do something for myself my brain turned off. I wanted this. I wanted to enjoy this new world of solitude-ish-ness. I had dreams.

Watch rugby while working. Watch baseball while working. Watch…well…what ever is on the television while working.

Now is a good time to mention how fortunate I am. My twenty-three years in the military was a wise investment, I can not even begin to understand what so many went through, how so many died. The fear, the rage, the division growing wider as isolation scarred so many, pushing us further into isolation bubbles of information. I sacrificed for where I am now. This is my story.

I didn’t say I stopped being lazy. No, I had time to contemplate how to be efficiently lazy and understanding my laziness cycle actually helped me avoid food cravings. Weird, right? Smaller snacks, eating when I want, sleeping when I want, finally accepting I now own my day gave me the freedom to be my own me.

Accepting one can only control what one can control is an awakening. Maybe not an ‘I’m the Buddha’ awakening but significant enough to me. Simply wanting to shed my blob-of-lazy-human-waiting-to-slip-off-the-mortal ameboid-strip in my recliner.

Nope. Now I want to experience as much as I can from this recliner and because I want to I have lost sixty pounds in a year. Because I cared enough to stop getting ‘swole’ (yes, I know that’s not what that means…I’m invoking the law of word play) and even my thoughts got healthier.

Weight loss, mental clarity, and no exercise. It seems to good to be true but well…I know it is and I hope at least one person gains something from my insight.

I accepted what I can change and I changed things I didn’t like about myself. I accepted I cannot stress about the things I cannot change. I literally did nothing someone would call exercise I just moved more because I wanted to, ate less than I was supposed because my body wasn’t hungry.

Acceptance. It’s so simple but simple doesn’t get money out of people’s pockets. No. Diet fads and false phacts (you’re welcome…again) starving people of truth with wish fulfillment. Starving people binge. People who want eat and shrug it off.

Okay…even I lost myself in that paragraph but there is meaning there I hope resonates with someone.

I found my path. I hope this unedited stream of consciousness helps someone take at least one step toward theirs.